The Adult

No, This Is Not Emotional Intelligence

Maia

20 Jan 2026 — 1 min read

Emotional intelligence is often confused with tolerance.

With staying calm while absorbing harm.
With understanding someone’s limitations and adjusting accordingly.
With not making things “a big deal.”

That is not emotional intelligence.
That is emotional labour.

Emotional intelligence does not require you to carry the consequences of someone else’s avoidance.

It does not require you to translate, soften, anticipate, or buffer indefinitely.
It does not require you to stay regulated while nothing changes.

Calm endurance is not a virtue when it replaces accountability.

Being able to name impact without escalation is a skill.
Being expected to do it repeatedly because the other person will not adjust is not.

At some point, “emotional intelligence” becomes a euphemism for:

don’t upset me
don’t push
don’t require anything I haven’t already offered

That is not maturity.
It is convenience.

So no.

No, it is not emotionally intelligent to keep adapting to behaviour that never shifts.
No, clarity is not aggression.
No, asking for change is not a lack of empathy.

Refusing to absorb the cost of someone else’s avoidance is not cruelty.

It is adulthood.

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